Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Because He Would Never Leave Me


I could never leave because, through the Holy Ghost, I have a testimony that God lives and that His Son, Jesus Christ, is my Savior and Redeemer. I am blessed that my Heavenly Father gave me a guide.  Because of this guide, I can overcome the confusion of this life and find happiness in the simple truths that let me know He has a plan for me. I know that the scriptures are true; They teach me who my Savior is and how I can be more like Him. I know that God has blessed us from the very beginning with prophets to guide us back to Him. That is no different now; He loves us enough to continue guiding us in the same way He always has.

I know that God knows and loves me enough to give me the guidance I need in this unsettling world. I know that He loves me because I have felt His love and reassuring guidance as I have tried to live the way He would have me live.
I could never leave because I have a testimony of the eternal nature of families. The most wonderful thing we can experience in life is to share it with the ones we love -- the ones we would do anything for. I know that our families are a gift from our Heavenly Father -- and a gift that we need not lose when this life is over. My Heavenly Father made it possible for every one of His children to be bound eternally to the ones they love most. Because He wants us to be happy, He makes that which brings us the most joy last forever.

I know that God lives. Everything He does is for my benefit and that of the ones I love. I know that He continues to guide me. I know that Jesus Christ took upon Himself every sin and heartache I could ever suffer in this mortal life. This is God’s plan; and I am blessed to know it. 

I could never leave because I know He would never leave me. And someday I will return to Him to live in eternal happiness with those who make life worth living.








Jeff is my husband. I love him.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

What I Want and Need


Simply put: I want it; I need it; and I've worked too hard for what I've got that I'm not about to lose it now.

Now, let's expand, yes? OK. 


I want it.

I grew up with an enormous feeling of responsibility. I always wanted to be the best that I could; I don't like disappointing anyone in authority; I always want to impress; and I always wanted to be a "good girl." I grew up in the church, and I remember after I got baptized thinking, "Man! I am baptized! I am eight years old! It's about time I start acting like it and pay attention in sacrament meeting." I remember changing my motivations simply because Jesus said they were wrong. Also, I like the way I feel when I do good things, I feel good about myself, and I want to feel good about myself. Now, this in no way constitutes a good testimony by itself, but...


I need it.

I need it, because I am a dramatic person. I've always struggled with depression and low self esteem (part of the reason why I always want to please people). It's so easy to get down on yourself in today's world. I don't fit the images of successful, cool, pretty, or popular. And therefore (by today's standards) I'm not marketable as worthwhile.

Now, while I truly believe that I don't fit the world's definitions of any of those things, I know and testify that I fit the exact mold of a LOVED DAUGHTER OF GOD. I know that Christ died for my sins by choice. He didn't include me because He had to. I believe that He suffered for me because He wanted to. He wanted me to know how loved I am. And the sad - and wonderful - thing is: In this life, I don't think I'll ever really understand how much. I know that I am important to Him; I am beautiful to Him; I am needed by Him. I am loved by my Father in Heaven and by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. This love is what ignited my self esteem. It is what motivated me to act better. This love is what I need to pick myself up from the dirt every time I fall -- which is a lot. This didn't happen over night. Quite, quite, quite the contrary...


I've worked too hard for what I've got that I'm not about to lose it now.

Now, when I say this, I don't mean it out of determination. I mean that I think I've put in too much effort for me to just fall out of it now. Here's the thing: I'm struggling right now. I am being stubborn, disobedient and angry. I'm throwing fits. I haven't been faithful in my everyday actions, and (frankly) I ran out of energy to keep up with it all. I have fallen down, and I don't want to pick myself up. 

But I just can't seem to keep away from the Gospel. I am staying afloat out of what I'm calling "spiritual momentum." This momentum comes through my friends' supportive spirits and by the testimonies they live. (Thanks Megan! And everyone contributing!) I've been reminded of what I need to do by the testimonies I've written down. I've found hope, love (so much love), support, encouragement, forgiveness, charity, inspiration and so many other things. These things keeps me going. They are things left behind from the people I chose to associate with. And they are teachings left behind after committing to, and abiding by, principles I questioned and tested with real intent. These things don't simply leave you because you are going through a rough spot. They stay with you through them. So, that being said, when I'm able to stand again, and when I'm ready to fight for what I've always believed in (sometimes only deep, deep down), I don't have to start over. Because I never left, and I can never leave.

I can never leave because I want the goodness that I find. I haven't been able to get it any way than by abiding by the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. (And believe me I've been on both sides.) I want the good feelings and the warmth I get. I want the love. I want it because I need it. 

I'm unable to face this life by myself. I expect too much from myself. The world doesn't value the good I have in me, and I need to be reassured that I'm loved. I need to be reminded that I always have help -- even through the blackest of turmoil and sin. Like a true friend, only true principals stay with you when you are at your lowest. (And, people, this one sticks!) I always have someone rooting for me. Through the work I'm putting in, and the love (have I mentioned the love?) people show for me, I can never leave.








Andi writes a blog in which she tries 
to bear her testimony every day. Check it out at:

Sunday, April 1, 2012

On Things Broken and Built


I wish I could say that I never thought about leaving the church, but I did.

I was madly in love with a young man when I found myself starting to seriously consider my departure. It seemed, at that point in our relationship, that any potential future with him would be at the cost of my religion. I was incredibly torn; the two things that I loved most were engaged in a gruesome battle, using my soul as a stomping ground. No matter the victor, I felt like I would be the ultimate victim -- left bruised and battered beyond repair. I was in a silent desperation. I felt like I had no one to turn to. It would be the hardest decision that I have yet to make in my life.

It wasn’t that my relationship with him was anti-religious. Up until that point, things had actually been incredibly religious. I had never discussed religion and God so much. I found myself growing in ways that I loved. I felt like I was more caring, loving, and thoughtful. I considered the meaning of religious practices more deeply and prayed more sincerely. I began seeing life through a different framework, a better framework. I cared more about my motivations than my actions. I learned to accept that I was not perfect, that I made mistakes but, because of Christ, I could be forgiven. Even though I was flawed, I was still loved. God started really coming alive to me, or more precisely, I allowed God to be more a part of my life. I was beginning to truly love Him.

When the conflict arose, and the need to choose began to manifest more clearly in my life, I was frightened. I felt like I had been doing all the right things. Why were things suddenly coming into conflict? What possible course of action could I choose? I began to think that maybe I had simply outgrown established religion. I believed that God had used my religion as a tool to draw me into Him. I felt perhaps that while some things were full of truth, other parts of the religion were flawed and merely the invention of culture and man-kind. But I was afraid of the loss of my religion and the impacts that would have on my life. I delayed the decision as long as I could, but I finally crumbled under the pressure and turned to God. Surely he would lead me in the direction that was right. I felt that if he told me I needed to leave my religion, I would be okay. I could make it through. As I knelt in prayer, asking whether I needed to abandon my current beliefs, I received a definitive answer: No.

I was shocked. I was angry. I was sad. I was hurt. I was ready to give up my religion as long as I could have both God and my love. But I was not prepared to give up love. I was upset and felt betrayed. I had had so much faith that my boyfriend would be touched and turn to God, but he hadn’t. Things hadn’t gone as planned. I had lost faith in religion. I felt like God hadn’t come through. Why could he demand such a sacrifice of me?

But how can you argue with God? The answer was clearer than any I had ever received and I knew I could not turn my back on it.

So I complied. I did not abandon my beliefs. For a while, I struggled with my loss, but slowly things got better. I started reading my scriptures and regularly attending church again. I did not know for sure that the LDS church was true, but I knew it was where God wanted me. I tried my best to live the commandments and be obedient, and step by step my life started changing. Piece by piece things became clearer, my testimony grew stronger, and my soul expanded. I am still not entirely sure of everything, but I can say that I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is God’s church. That he restored the priesthood through the prophet Joseph Smith. The priesthood allows us to make scared covenants and ordinances that help secure our happiness and bring us closer to God.

I could never leave this church because of the rich blessings that are secured through the priesthood. I could never leave this church because it strengthens me to live the way God would have me live. I could never leave this church because it holds within it the fullness of the gospel of Christ. I could never leave this church because it brings me closer to God.

It is not easy. The gospel does not allow you to live at your own abandon. It requires sacrifice and trials. Sometimes it requires you to give up things you love and desire. Ultimately, it requires you to give up your will and agency -- the one thing that truly belongs to you. But you do so with faith that God loves you and is looking after you. You have to have faith that God is preparing for you a better path, a brighter future, a place of peace. God requires sacrifice and faith, but he comes with healing in his wings. Whatever He requires you to give, He has the power to restore tenfold. And what’s more is that He wants to restore it to you. He wants you to be happy, and He is simply trying to teach you how. Come unto Him. Reach up and He will guide you home. I know these things to be true, and I could never leave this truth.