Thursday, April 12, 2012

What I Want and Need


Simply put: I want it; I need it; and I've worked too hard for what I've got that I'm not about to lose it now.

Now, let's expand, yes? OK. 


I want it.

I grew up with an enormous feeling of responsibility. I always wanted to be the best that I could; I don't like disappointing anyone in authority; I always want to impress; and I always wanted to be a "good girl." I grew up in the church, and I remember after I got baptized thinking, "Man! I am baptized! I am eight years old! It's about time I start acting like it and pay attention in sacrament meeting." I remember changing my motivations simply because Jesus said they were wrong. Also, I like the way I feel when I do good things, I feel good about myself, and I want to feel good about myself. Now, this in no way constitutes a good testimony by itself, but...


I need it.

I need it, because I am a dramatic person. I've always struggled with depression and low self esteem (part of the reason why I always want to please people). It's so easy to get down on yourself in today's world. I don't fit the images of successful, cool, pretty, or popular. And therefore (by today's standards) I'm not marketable as worthwhile.

Now, while I truly believe that I don't fit the world's definitions of any of those things, I know and testify that I fit the exact mold of a LOVED DAUGHTER OF GOD. I know that Christ died for my sins by choice. He didn't include me because He had to. I believe that He suffered for me because He wanted to. He wanted me to know how loved I am. And the sad - and wonderful - thing is: In this life, I don't think I'll ever really understand how much. I know that I am important to Him; I am beautiful to Him; I am needed by Him. I am loved by my Father in Heaven and by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. This love is what ignited my self esteem. It is what motivated me to act better. This love is what I need to pick myself up from the dirt every time I fall -- which is a lot. This didn't happen over night. Quite, quite, quite the contrary...


I've worked too hard for what I've got that I'm not about to lose it now.

Now, when I say this, I don't mean it out of determination. I mean that I think I've put in too much effort for me to just fall out of it now. Here's the thing: I'm struggling right now. I am being stubborn, disobedient and angry. I'm throwing fits. I haven't been faithful in my everyday actions, and (frankly) I ran out of energy to keep up with it all. I have fallen down, and I don't want to pick myself up. 

But I just can't seem to keep away from the Gospel. I am staying afloat out of what I'm calling "spiritual momentum." This momentum comes through my friends' supportive spirits and by the testimonies they live. (Thanks Megan! And everyone contributing!) I've been reminded of what I need to do by the testimonies I've written down. I've found hope, love (so much love), support, encouragement, forgiveness, charity, inspiration and so many other things. These things keeps me going. They are things left behind from the people I chose to associate with. And they are teachings left behind after committing to, and abiding by, principles I questioned and tested with real intent. These things don't simply leave you because you are going through a rough spot. They stay with you through them. So, that being said, when I'm able to stand again, and when I'm ready to fight for what I've always believed in (sometimes only deep, deep down), I don't have to start over. Because I never left, and I can never leave.

I can never leave because I want the goodness that I find. I haven't been able to get it any way than by abiding by the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. (And believe me I've been on both sides.) I want the good feelings and the warmth I get. I want the love. I want it because I need it. 

I'm unable to face this life by myself. I expect too much from myself. The world doesn't value the good I have in me, and I need to be reassured that I'm loved. I need to be reminded that I always have help -- even through the blackest of turmoil and sin. Like a true friend, only true principals stay with you when you are at your lowest. (And, people, this one sticks!) I always have someone rooting for me. Through the work I'm putting in, and the love (have I mentioned the love?) people show for me, I can never leave.








Andi writes a blog in which she tries 
to bear her testimony every day. Check it out at:

1 comment: