I was madly in love with a young man when I found myself starting to seriously consider my departure. It seemed, at that point in our relationship, that any potential future with him would be at the cost of my religion. I was incredibly torn; the two things that I loved most were engaged in a gruesome battle, using my soul as a stomping ground. No matter the victor, I felt like I would be the ultimate victim -- left bruised and battered beyond repair. I was in a silent desperation. I felt like I had no one to turn to. It would be the hardest decision that I have yet to make in my life.
It wasn’t that my relationship with him was anti-religious. Up until that point, things had actually been incredibly religious. I had never discussed religion and God so much. I found myself growing in ways that I loved. I felt like I was more caring, loving, and thoughtful. I considered the meaning of religious practices more deeply and prayed more sincerely. I began seeing life through a different framework, a better framework. I cared more about my motivations than my actions. I learned to accept that I was not perfect, that I made mistakes but, because of Christ, I could be forgiven. Even though I was flawed, I was still loved. God started really coming alive to me, or more precisely, I allowed God to be more a part of my life. I was beginning to truly love Him.
When the conflict arose, and the need to choose began to manifest more clearly in my life, I was frightened. I felt like I had been doing all the right things. Why were things suddenly coming into conflict? What possible course of action could I choose? I began to think that maybe I had simply outgrown established religion. I believed that God had used my religion as a tool to draw me into Him. I felt perhaps that while some things were full of truth, other parts of the religion were flawed and merely the invention of culture and man-kind. But I was afraid of the loss of my religion and the impacts that would have on my life. I delayed the decision as long as I could, but I finally crumbled under the pressure and turned to God. Surely he would lead me in the direction that was right. I felt that if he told me I needed to leave my religion, I would be okay. I could make it through. As I knelt in prayer, asking whether I needed to abandon my current beliefs, I received a definitive answer: No.
I was shocked. I was angry. I was sad. I was hurt. I was ready to give up my religion as long as I could have both God and my love. But I was not prepared to give up love. I was upset and felt betrayed. I had had so much faith that my boyfriend would be touched and turn to God, but he hadn’t. Things hadn’t gone as planned. I had lost faith in religion. I felt like God hadn’t come through. Why could he demand such a sacrifice of me?
But how can you argue with God? The answer was clearer than any I had ever received and I knew I could not turn my back on it.
So I complied. I did not abandon my beliefs. For a while, I struggled with my loss, but slowly things got better. I started reading my scriptures and regularly attending church again. I did not know for sure that the LDS church was true, but I knew it was where God wanted me. I tried my best to live the commandments and be obedient, and step by step my life started changing. Piece by piece things became clearer, my testimony grew stronger, and my soul expanded. I am still not entirely sure of everything, but I can say that I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is God’s church. That he restored the priesthood through the prophet Joseph Smith. The priesthood allows us to make scared covenants and ordinances that help secure our happiness and bring us closer to God.
I could never leave this church because of the rich blessings that are secured through the priesthood. I could never leave this church because it strengthens me to live the way God would have me live. I could never leave this church because it holds within it the fullness of the gospel of Christ. I could never leave this church because it brings me closer to God.
It is not easy. The gospel does not allow you to live at your own abandon. It requires sacrifice and trials. Sometimes it requires you to give up things you love and desire. Ultimately, it requires you to give up your will and agency -- the one thing that truly belongs to you. But you do so with faith that God loves you and is looking after you. You have to have faith that God is preparing for you a better path, a brighter future, a place of peace. God requires sacrifice and faith, but he comes with healing in his wings. Whatever He requires you to give, He has the power to restore tenfold. And what’s more is that He wants to restore it to you. He wants you to be happy, and He is simply trying to teach you how. Come unto Him. Reach up and He will guide you home. I know these things to be true, and I could never leave this truth.
It wasn’t that my relationship with him was anti-religious. Up until that point, things had actually been incredibly religious. I had never discussed religion and God so much. I found myself growing in ways that I loved. I felt like I was more caring, loving, and thoughtful. I considered the meaning of religious practices more deeply and prayed more sincerely. I began seeing life through a different framework, a better framework. I cared more about my motivations than my actions. I learned to accept that I was not perfect, that I made mistakes but, because of Christ, I could be forgiven. Even though I was flawed, I was still loved. God started really coming alive to me, or more precisely, I allowed God to be more a part of my life. I was beginning to truly love Him.
When the conflict arose, and the need to choose began to manifest more clearly in my life, I was frightened. I felt like I had been doing all the right things. Why were things suddenly coming into conflict? What possible course of action could I choose? I began to think that maybe I had simply outgrown established religion. I believed that God had used my religion as a tool to draw me into Him. I felt perhaps that while some things were full of truth, other parts of the religion were flawed and merely the invention of culture and man-kind. But I was afraid of the loss of my religion and the impacts that would have on my life. I delayed the decision as long as I could, but I finally crumbled under the pressure and turned to God. Surely he would lead me in the direction that was right. I felt that if he told me I needed to leave my religion, I would be okay. I could make it through. As I knelt in prayer, asking whether I needed to abandon my current beliefs, I received a definitive answer: No.
I was shocked. I was angry. I was sad. I was hurt. I was ready to give up my religion as long as I could have both God and my love. But I was not prepared to give up love. I was upset and felt betrayed. I had had so much faith that my boyfriend would be touched and turn to God, but he hadn’t. Things hadn’t gone as planned. I had lost faith in religion. I felt like God hadn’t come through. Why could he demand such a sacrifice of me?
But how can you argue with God? The answer was clearer than any I had ever received and I knew I could not turn my back on it.
So I complied. I did not abandon my beliefs. For a while, I struggled with my loss, but slowly things got better. I started reading my scriptures and regularly attending church again. I did not know for sure that the LDS church was true, but I knew it was where God wanted me. I tried my best to live the commandments and be obedient, and step by step my life started changing. Piece by piece things became clearer, my testimony grew stronger, and my soul expanded. I am still not entirely sure of everything, but I can say that I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is God’s church. That he restored the priesthood through the prophet Joseph Smith. The priesthood allows us to make scared covenants and ordinances that help secure our happiness and bring us closer to God.
I could never leave this church because of the rich blessings that are secured through the priesthood. I could never leave this church because it strengthens me to live the way God would have me live. I could never leave this church because it holds within it the fullness of the gospel of Christ. I could never leave this church because it brings me closer to God.
It is not easy. The gospel does not allow you to live at your own abandon. It requires sacrifice and trials. Sometimes it requires you to give up things you love and desire. Ultimately, it requires you to give up your will and agency -- the one thing that truly belongs to you. But you do so with faith that God loves you and is looking after you. You have to have faith that God is preparing for you a better path, a brighter future, a place of peace. God requires sacrifice and faith, but he comes with healing in his wings. Whatever He requires you to give, He has the power to restore tenfold. And what’s more is that He wants to restore it to you. He wants you to be happy, and He is simply trying to teach you how. Come unto Him. Reach up and He will guide you home. I know these things to be true, and I could never leave this truth.
Thank you. This was beautiful. I love you!
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