Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Because He Would Never Leave Me


I could never leave because, through the Holy Ghost, I have a testimony that God lives and that His Son, Jesus Christ, is my Savior and Redeemer. I am blessed that my Heavenly Father gave me a guide.  Because of this guide, I can overcome the confusion of this life and find happiness in the simple truths that let me know He has a plan for me. I know that the scriptures are true; They teach me who my Savior is and how I can be more like Him. I know that God has blessed us from the very beginning with prophets to guide us back to Him. That is no different now; He loves us enough to continue guiding us in the same way He always has.

I know that God knows and loves me enough to give me the guidance I need in this unsettling world. I know that He loves me because I have felt His love and reassuring guidance as I have tried to live the way He would have me live.
I could never leave because I have a testimony of the eternal nature of families. The most wonderful thing we can experience in life is to share it with the ones we love -- the ones we would do anything for. I know that our families are a gift from our Heavenly Father -- and a gift that we need not lose when this life is over. My Heavenly Father made it possible for every one of His children to be bound eternally to the ones they love most. Because He wants us to be happy, He makes that which brings us the most joy last forever.

I know that God lives. Everything He does is for my benefit and that of the ones I love. I know that He continues to guide me. I know that Jesus Christ took upon Himself every sin and heartache I could ever suffer in this mortal life. This is God’s plan; and I am blessed to know it. 

I could never leave because I know He would never leave me. And someday I will return to Him to live in eternal happiness with those who make life worth living.








Jeff is my husband. I love him.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

What I Want and Need


Simply put: I want it; I need it; and I've worked too hard for what I've got that I'm not about to lose it now.

Now, let's expand, yes? OK. 


I want it.

I grew up with an enormous feeling of responsibility. I always wanted to be the best that I could; I don't like disappointing anyone in authority; I always want to impress; and I always wanted to be a "good girl." I grew up in the church, and I remember after I got baptized thinking, "Man! I am baptized! I am eight years old! It's about time I start acting like it and pay attention in sacrament meeting." I remember changing my motivations simply because Jesus said they were wrong. Also, I like the way I feel when I do good things, I feel good about myself, and I want to feel good about myself. Now, this in no way constitutes a good testimony by itself, but...


I need it.

I need it, because I am a dramatic person. I've always struggled with depression and low self esteem (part of the reason why I always want to please people). It's so easy to get down on yourself in today's world. I don't fit the images of successful, cool, pretty, or popular. And therefore (by today's standards) I'm not marketable as worthwhile.

Now, while I truly believe that I don't fit the world's definitions of any of those things, I know and testify that I fit the exact mold of a LOVED DAUGHTER OF GOD. I know that Christ died for my sins by choice. He didn't include me because He had to. I believe that He suffered for me because He wanted to. He wanted me to know how loved I am. And the sad - and wonderful - thing is: In this life, I don't think I'll ever really understand how much. I know that I am important to Him; I am beautiful to Him; I am needed by Him. I am loved by my Father in Heaven and by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. This love is what ignited my self esteem. It is what motivated me to act better. This love is what I need to pick myself up from the dirt every time I fall -- which is a lot. This didn't happen over night. Quite, quite, quite the contrary...


I've worked too hard for what I've got that I'm not about to lose it now.

Now, when I say this, I don't mean it out of determination. I mean that I think I've put in too much effort for me to just fall out of it now. Here's the thing: I'm struggling right now. I am being stubborn, disobedient and angry. I'm throwing fits. I haven't been faithful in my everyday actions, and (frankly) I ran out of energy to keep up with it all. I have fallen down, and I don't want to pick myself up. 

But I just can't seem to keep away from the Gospel. I am staying afloat out of what I'm calling "spiritual momentum." This momentum comes through my friends' supportive spirits and by the testimonies they live. (Thanks Megan! And everyone contributing!) I've been reminded of what I need to do by the testimonies I've written down. I've found hope, love (so much love), support, encouragement, forgiveness, charity, inspiration and so many other things. These things keeps me going. They are things left behind from the people I chose to associate with. And they are teachings left behind after committing to, and abiding by, principles I questioned and tested with real intent. These things don't simply leave you because you are going through a rough spot. They stay with you through them. So, that being said, when I'm able to stand again, and when I'm ready to fight for what I've always believed in (sometimes only deep, deep down), I don't have to start over. Because I never left, and I can never leave.

I can never leave because I want the goodness that I find. I haven't been able to get it any way than by abiding by the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. (And believe me I've been on both sides.) I want the good feelings and the warmth I get. I want the love. I want it because I need it. 

I'm unable to face this life by myself. I expect too much from myself. The world doesn't value the good I have in me, and I need to be reassured that I'm loved. I need to be reminded that I always have help -- even through the blackest of turmoil and sin. Like a true friend, only true principals stay with you when you are at your lowest. (And, people, this one sticks!) I always have someone rooting for me. Through the work I'm putting in, and the love (have I mentioned the love?) people show for me, I can never leave.








Andi writes a blog in which she tries 
to bear her testimony every day. Check it out at:

Sunday, April 1, 2012

On Things Broken and Built


I wish I could say that I never thought about leaving the church, but I did.

I was madly in love with a young man when I found myself starting to seriously consider my departure. It seemed, at that point in our relationship, that any potential future with him would be at the cost of my religion. I was incredibly torn; the two things that I loved most were engaged in a gruesome battle, using my soul as a stomping ground. No matter the victor, I felt like I would be the ultimate victim -- left bruised and battered beyond repair. I was in a silent desperation. I felt like I had no one to turn to. It would be the hardest decision that I have yet to make in my life.

It wasn’t that my relationship with him was anti-religious. Up until that point, things had actually been incredibly religious. I had never discussed religion and God so much. I found myself growing in ways that I loved. I felt like I was more caring, loving, and thoughtful. I considered the meaning of religious practices more deeply and prayed more sincerely. I began seeing life through a different framework, a better framework. I cared more about my motivations than my actions. I learned to accept that I was not perfect, that I made mistakes but, because of Christ, I could be forgiven. Even though I was flawed, I was still loved. God started really coming alive to me, or more precisely, I allowed God to be more a part of my life. I was beginning to truly love Him.

When the conflict arose, and the need to choose began to manifest more clearly in my life, I was frightened. I felt like I had been doing all the right things. Why were things suddenly coming into conflict? What possible course of action could I choose? I began to think that maybe I had simply outgrown established religion. I believed that God had used my religion as a tool to draw me into Him. I felt perhaps that while some things were full of truth, other parts of the religion were flawed and merely the invention of culture and man-kind. But I was afraid of the loss of my religion and the impacts that would have on my life. I delayed the decision as long as I could, but I finally crumbled under the pressure and turned to God. Surely he would lead me in the direction that was right. I felt that if he told me I needed to leave my religion, I would be okay. I could make it through. As I knelt in prayer, asking whether I needed to abandon my current beliefs, I received a definitive answer: No.

I was shocked. I was angry. I was sad. I was hurt. I was ready to give up my religion as long as I could have both God and my love. But I was not prepared to give up love. I was upset and felt betrayed. I had had so much faith that my boyfriend would be touched and turn to God, but he hadn’t. Things hadn’t gone as planned. I had lost faith in religion. I felt like God hadn’t come through. Why could he demand such a sacrifice of me?

But how can you argue with God? The answer was clearer than any I had ever received and I knew I could not turn my back on it.

So I complied. I did not abandon my beliefs. For a while, I struggled with my loss, but slowly things got better. I started reading my scriptures and regularly attending church again. I did not know for sure that the LDS church was true, but I knew it was where God wanted me. I tried my best to live the commandments and be obedient, and step by step my life started changing. Piece by piece things became clearer, my testimony grew stronger, and my soul expanded. I am still not entirely sure of everything, but I can say that I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is God’s church. That he restored the priesthood through the prophet Joseph Smith. The priesthood allows us to make scared covenants and ordinances that help secure our happiness and bring us closer to God.

I could never leave this church because of the rich blessings that are secured through the priesthood. I could never leave this church because it strengthens me to live the way God would have me live. I could never leave this church because it holds within it the fullness of the gospel of Christ. I could never leave this church because it brings me closer to God.

It is not easy. The gospel does not allow you to live at your own abandon. It requires sacrifice and trials. Sometimes it requires you to give up things you love and desire. Ultimately, it requires you to give up your will and agency -- the one thing that truly belongs to you. But you do so with faith that God loves you and is looking after you. You have to have faith that God is preparing for you a better path, a brighter future, a place of peace. God requires sacrifice and faith, but he comes with healing in his wings. Whatever He requires you to give, He has the power to restore tenfold. And what’s more is that He wants to restore it to you. He wants you to be happy, and He is simply trying to teach you how. Come unto Him. Reach up and He will guide you home. I know these things to be true, and I could never leave this truth.

Monday, March 26, 2012

His Love


I know that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world. Through Him, I can return to my Heavenly Father if I repent of my sins and follow the commandments of the Lord. I'm grateful for the atonement, and I love Jesus Christ and God with all my heart. I wrote this song and music from my heart, and I hope you like it.


For me, the Lord has come
To wash away my sins.
He held my life in his hands,
And gave it back to me.
He freed me from the chains of death,
Brought life to all the world.
Through Him I'll gain eternal rest
From pain too great to bear.
His love, my God, I praise.
I know I can return someday.
My family will be there too
Because Christ has shown us the way to live.
I'll follow Him with all my heart.
His love, my God, I praise.

Friday, March 23, 2012

He Is

I have always been a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and have always had a testimony of the truthfulness of His Gospel, so I've never really thought about why I could never leave -- until now.

The Atonement of Jesus Christ is a very real and personal thing. He made it possible for us to return Home to our loving Father; He made it possible for our sins to be forgiven. But the Atonement is more than that. 

In Alma Chapter 7, verses 11-13 it says: "And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me." 

Whatever pain, whatever sorrow - great or small - He has felt and He understands. If we allow Him, He WILL take that from us. He wants us to give it to Him. I have come to understand that I don't need to suffer for anything; He already has. I have felt His love and mercy countless times in my life. I have seen what His love has done for others. 

Recently, my sister passed away. The only way I have been able to get through this trial is by giving my sorrows to Him and allowing Him to take my pain. He's already felt this, I don't need to suffer the pain alone. 

Yes, I am still tremendously sad about losing my sister. But I have felt joy as well. Without the Gospel, without the Church, I wouldn't feel the joy; I would only feel sorrow and sadness.

In Doctrine and Covenants Section 76, verses 22-23, it says: "And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives! For we saw him, even on the right hand of God..."

I have not seen my Savior in the flesh, but I know He lives! I know He bore my burdens for me in Gethsemane. I am continually encircled about in the arms of His love. I know He loves me. 

I have a testimony of His Church and that is why I could never leave.


Monday, March 19, 2012

What it Takes

When I initially heard the topic, “why I could never leave,” my mind was brought back to my mission. I could think of quite a few reasons that came in that short year and a half. That is where I came to know of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, it is where I began to understand the Atonement.

These things became the “why” for me. I was convinced then that I could never leave, because Christ and His gospel had, simply put, changed my life.

And with that conviction I often wondered how others with those same life changing experiences could return home only to stray.

Well, I think a man in my ward summed it up nicely. In a testimony meeting, he shared his experience of sustaining an injury from falling out of bed. He stated that he had fallen because he hadn’t been far enough in. “Perhaps,” he suggested, “that is why so many people fall out of the church. They’re just not far enough in.”

I know this may seem to be moving away from my train of thought, but stick with me please, it will come back around.

The Book of Mormon changed my life. Applying its teachings changed me in a way I never thought imaginable. I was certain I could never miss a day of serious study. But guess how long it takes to break that commitment? Well, it’s not very long.

There are innumerable reasons I could never leave, but those reasons aren’t all that keep me in. During my mission, I knew I could never leave, and after reflecting on this topic, I’ve discovered why. I couldn’t fall out because I was “far enough in.” I was immersed in the gospel.

There are many reasons motivating me to stay, but testimonies fade as they go malnourished, and strong reasoning soon becomes forgotten. So, because I have the reasons, perhaps the statement I need to be pondering is not “why I could never leave,” but “what I am going to do to make sure I don't stray.”

I want to do it. I need to stay. I yearn for perfection, but the course is long and narrow. The great “why” to never leave that trail lies at the end—eternal life and joy with our families. I just pray we can do what it takes to never stray.


Sunday, March 18, 2012

It's Savings Time

Helpful Hint #1: Last Sunday was Daylight Savings Time

My husband and I don't watch very much T.V. these days. We don't have smart phones, either. We don't own a wall calendar, and we (quite honestly) would rather spend a Friday night eating ice cream at home than partying it up.

I promise this information will be relevant soon.

Last Sunday, we awoke at a leisurely pace. Church isn't until 1 P.M. So, it would be fairly difficult to sleep too late. We got ready for the day. I even did my hair. We were feeling pretty good about ourselves, because it appeared that we would be on time to church. This is important because it's extremely difficult to find a seat in Relief Society if you're late. (It's important for other reasons, too, of course.) Just before leaving, my husband took a look at his phone.

"Stupid phone, it thinks it's 1:48," he exclaims from the other room.
"What's that you say? Let me check my phone."
Same thing.

Check the computers.
Same thing.

Google: "Daylight Savings Time."
Yup. March 11, 2012.

Blast.
We totally meant to be on time.

My husband and I had every intention to make it to church early. We did everything we knew how to do in order to get there. The problem is this: we didn't have all the information. Why didn't anybody tell us?

Lately, I think about missionary work a lot.

Honestly, I've never been very good at it. I get nervous about sharing something as intimate as my testimony with those who may not accept what I believe. They may mock it. They make boil me down to a simple stereotype. They might even think that I was out of line.

Or, at least, those are the kinds of thoughts I ascribe to those with which I might share.

But this Daylight Savings 2012 Debacle made me think twice.

There are a lot of good people around us. And most of them are doing the best they can with the knowledge they have. They have every intention of making it to church on time, so to speak. And when they discover the truth, they may ask, "Why didn't anybody tell me?"

My best friend knew. Why didn't she tell me?
My neighbor knew. Why didn't he tell me?

One of my favorite accounts in the scriptures is the description of Peter walking on the water. The apostles are out to sea. Christ sees them and takes the fastest way to reach them -- it just happens to be by walking on the water. Upon seeing this, the apostles are scared. They think it's some sort of ghost, or something. Christ tells them to fear not. Peter, desiring with all his heart to be with Christ, asks if he, too, can walk on water. Christ bids him to come unto him. Peter boldly steps out of the boat -- taking his first steps to Christ. But then he falters. He takes his gaze off Christ and looks about at the raging sea. He fears and starts to sink. Crying out to the only one who can save him, he reaches for Christ. Christ, being the savior of all mankind (and the savior of one), reaches back, grabs Peter, and saves him.

I love this account for so many reasons. But for the purpose of this post, I will say just this: Christ is in the business of saving souls. Ought we to do the same? At least, ought I?

Helpful Hint #2: Christ is the Savior -- my personal redeemer. Through him we can return to our Father in Heaven. We can be eternally with our families. And we can be sustained through our trials. I wanted to tell you this because I'm grateful every day that somebody told me.

Helpful Hint #3: Daylight Savings Time 2013 (spring forward) begins Sunday, March 10, 2013.


Friday, March 9, 2012

Why I Could Never Leave

"The answers we have a far greater than our questions."

Recently, I had the opportunity to hear Elder Holland bear his testimony. In this amazing meeting he said something close to the quote above. I'll never forget it. He talked about being worried about the people who leave the church. I can relate -- maybe not on the same level, but still. He said he struggled with the reasons why people leave. 

There's a publication, he mentioned, written by well-meaning people that addresses this very issue. It's called, Why I Stay: Challenges of Discipleship for Contemporary Mormons. The title is pretty self-explanatory, but (basically) it seems (note: I haven't actually read the book) to be written by people who, despite a few conflicting opinions, have decided to remain faithful in the church. Sounds pretty good, right? 

But Elder Holland suggested a slight modification to the title. The change: Instead of Why I Stay, how about calling it Why I Could Never Leave. This  implies a shift in focus. Instead of a focus on questions, we would focus on answers. Maybe that means we would spend more time focusing on Christ -- our answer.

I find the statement Why I Could Never Leave much more invigorating, edifying and intellectually exciting. So, I want to invite you to join me in shifting focus. 

Here on The 20-something Testament, I'm going to be starting my first (of many, hopefully) series! (In order to justify my use of an explanation point, I'm going to imagine you are sitting on the edge of your seat with anticipation now.) I hope you join me in sharing with the world the reason(s) why you could never leave. 

If you'd like to be the author of a featured post within this series (and I'd LOVE to have you), please email me at 20somethingtest@gmail.com. If you'd like to share just a quick thought, please leave a comment below. I would love to hear from you. 

Go ahead and grab a button. You can write your story on your blog and link up to the party here on The 20-something Testament. Tell your friends. Share your faith.

And I'll try to do the same.

Thanks, friends. I can't wait to hear from you.
and then, she {snapped}

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Power in a Particle

and then, she {snapped}
“Now, as I said concerning faith – that it was not a perfect knowledge – even so it is with my words. Ye cannot know of their surety at first, unto perfection, any more than faith is a perfect knowledge.
“But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.”  (Alma 32:26-27)
                                                                                                                 
I did not want to go to the singles ward. I had bad memories of it being a place of lost souls – of people who seemed to have given up hope. Please, let me go anywhere but that ward, I thought as I moved back in with my parents after graduation. My family and I not so affectionately called this tiny branch-turned-ward “The Twig.” Hoping to avoid the depths of The Twig, I ward hopped/shopped for about a month before my conscience caught up with me. I should give the ole Twig another go.

Here’s the thing: Despite the cynicism, I really wanted it to work.

So, I changed my attitude. I went in thinking that I would give it my all. And I did. I participated in all the activities. I raised my hand in class. I even got a little calling. And guess what: this “dreaded” ward ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me. My testimony grew like no other. I truly felt connected to the people around me. I was happy. Oh, and I fell in love with my then husband-to-be. What a perk!

See that? I could no more than “desire to believe.” But that desire turned into faith. And that tiny particle of faith got me everything.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far in my twenty-something life: when I give a little, just a tiny seed of faith, my Heavenly Father returns the favor tenfold. He must have some kind of crazy fertilizer. He made my tiny particle – my tiny seed – of faith grow into a tree.

But that doesn’t mean my faith hasn’t been tested or tried. Oh boy, have those storms and trials come. There have certainly been times when I felt my faith waver, times when I’ve felt alone.

Not too long ago, I was going through a difficult time with my health. Things were pretty bad. Because of this health condition, I had a hard time feeling the spirit. This guide I had been blessed with when I was eight, and I had grown accustomed to feeling through time, seemed suddenly silent.

One day, after starting a brand new medication, I fainted while I was in the shower. If you’ve passed out before, you know how scary this is. I literally felt like I was going to die. I remember thinking, “This has to end.” I got out of the shower. Nobody was home. And I sobbed. What was happening? When did my life get so dark? Why did God abandon me now?

My fiancĂ© came over and all I could do was cry. I laid on the couch for half the day. I wasn’t talking. Everyone was worried about me. My mom considered taking me to the hospital, but, after some coaxing, I finally got up.

Here’s what I realized. I was not abandoned. I was never alone, and I never have been. If I had fallen the other way while in the shower, I could have been seriously injured. Instead, there was just a bunch of shampoo on the shower floor. Somebody was watching out for me. I had a fiancĂ© and a family who cared for me and got me well again. Somebody was looking out for me. I had received a letter in the mail with some encouraging words a couple days before this incident. These words helped me gain insight only after my trial. I tell you, somebody was looking out for me.

I had a particle of faith – Somebody made that work for me.

I’m not sure how Christ does it, but He can make the best out of any situation. I came out of that seemingly overdramatic incident (but nonetheless real to me) better. My faith has grown because of the storm.

So, why could I never leave this church?

Well, you see, I have this particle of faith. And that’s a powerful thing.